LIFESTAMPS ... lifelong lessons: SURVIVING SINGLENESS

I was born single, I got born again single and here I am, still single. It’s been a glorious time being single I must tell you. I feel fulfilled and it has nothing to do with whatever it is I may have obtained academically or otherwise. I have just been able to live out the little dreams in my head and take the risks I have always longed to take. You can call me lucky if you wish but you will be wrong. I am Charles!

I grew and played as a child but in my teenage years something dramatic happened. My sexual instincts kicked alive. Yes, I call them instincts because I didn’t pre-orchestrate them. They just woke up. Ok, not really but I didn’t quite know they were there (as in “there”). I had ransacked my dad’s library and I came across

I stole away to read the book and the more I read the more I needed to steal away. How could they reveal this much, even with diagrams? Wow! I was bamboozled. I began a routine visit to some ‘special’ pages though having read them before. I read and imagined then I tried to try some things I read. It wasn’t the best book for me to read at that time but the knowledge it gave me posed an advantage and also a disadvantage in my later years.

I grew up being shy so the idea of getting close to ladies was like non-existent. Did I say ladies? They were girls then but it didn’t make much difference. I kept to myself but ideas ran hither-thither in my head and the more I looked like I was ignorant or oblivious of my surroundings the more you should be wary of me because I was always more than the eye could see. I had a lot of stuff in my head but my composure never gave me up.

I became great friends to the complementary gender because I never had the motive to embark on an emotion-laden bond. It didn’t matter how I felt or the ideas that popped out of my head without notice but I seemed to have them under control and it was…always. I hated myself for that. I wanted to be like others but my shyness, or my environment or my parents or their name or …something was always the reason. I constrained myself which was harder to do than not. I grew that way and survived until I knew I had to start expressing myself. It didn’t take me much because I had rehearsed all my life.

It was easy to make female friends, they love the truth, they love one being stupid and not ashamed, they love intelligence, they love sincerity, they love attention and they always itch for a sincere complement. I didn’t have to buy these. But then I noticed they were easily beguiled, misdirected and seriously their thinking just didn’t align with any form of logic I had understudied or come across. They were just different. They would smile at nonsense and cry at nothing. You would fall off your head to hear what they think about a serious matter and then marvel at the insight they could harvest from seemingly normal situations. I kept them close. They were my majority of friends and that helped me notice a lot…a lot.

I noticed that when ladies had problems with men they were in relationships with, they would call on other ladies for advice and counsel. There is nothing wrong in seeking a wiser person but to consult your mate or colleague on matters that pertain to the other gender aren’t such a wise idea. If you walked up to an elderly female, I could endure the reason. Picking your next door female to aid you in such matters is like consuming ale in deadly but subtle dozes. Don’t get me wrong! There are friends that have helped a lot especially when you needed them most but many of them are just proficient in sympathizing and not healing. Remember that when you get sick, even the most incompetent doctor could seem like a saviour to your ailing body.

It makes much sense to talk to a man who loves you but has no intention of having intimate bonds with you, people like your brothers (doesn’t matter how inexperienced they are). They are born-protectors of sisters. You could seek a God-fearing male friend but most ladies actually don’t need counsel, what they need is sympathy and a shoulder to cry on in such times and the best person to give that is their female friends who probably have faced similar or ever worse cases as regards males.

I heard a lady advising another and strongly so, I felt like weeping for them. The reason they always get it wrong is because they keep thinking like ladies and expect the men not to think like men. If you are a lady and you have male friends that are godly, I can assure you that you are surrounded by unrivaled wisdom as regards dealing with the male folk.

My sister once confided in me on the mannerisms of a young man that claimed to have her at heart and after listening to all she said I couldn’t help but wonder why the signs weren’t clear to her yet that the young man’s heart had drifted across the Niger River, even before amalgamation!

Many more have given me tales that sounded so gory but along the lines I could see the tell-tale signs that these ladies either took for granted or never deciphered for once. The best gender to know a female is a female and the best gender to know a male is a male. If you approach the gender especially the elderly folk, you will wonder why you have stewed in ignorance and suffering all this while. I have enjoyed counsel from so many elderly women so much that I feel so blessed. I got a lot without the need for experience.

Yes, I still fraternize with my fellow young men but I never take all the counsel to heart. Many of them would advise you from their friend’s experience or theirs and most times they hardly tell you everything that happened. Few people do but notwithstanding, it makes sense to listen to the elderly because they really have nothing to gain from telling tales that aren’t worth it and given their age and timing they are beyond the razzmatazz of youthfulness and their eyes are no longer dim in the light of exuberance.

I have survived my singleness by reading great books, keeping wonderful and focused friends, listening to great men and women of God, seeking (repeatedly,) counsel from the elderly folk and serving God with all I can afford and aspiring daily to do His will alone. As much as I want the joy that comes with commitment to someone special, I do not look to it as a solace from my singlehood. I love my singleness and I would love being better than single with time.

My little counsel to you, young lady…

If he wants you, he will come after you. If he needs you, he will wait for you.

If he wants you, he will force you to learn, if he needs you, he will be patient in teaching

If he wants you, he will always blame you, if he needs you, he will learn too.

I am a young man, it may make some sense to listen to my little ranting about men. Selah!

“Apple trees don't bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don't bear apples, do they? You're not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you?

Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom--it's animal cunning, devilish conniving.” (MSG)