I cannot say why I haven’t
smashed this blackberry phone against the wall. For the umpteenth time it has
gone off in the middle of a chat. I try to tether it with my laptop and connect
to the internet and without warning it blanks out. I have never really fancied
a blackberry from the start, I saw it as an article of ostentation and a tool
for promoting flamboyance. Half the people that use it hardly know the full
function and for me I wasn’t a crowd follower, it didn’t matter what they were
following. I feel different now though.
I bought one out of the need to
harness the only 3G functioning network in my region and to maximize my
browsing time and data. It’s a known fact that I kill phones. I don’t know how
it happens but if a phone lasts a year with me then it is really a Methuselah. I
bought a blackberry so it could be useful to me. Unfortunately,
it seems the
useful life of this particular blackberry has ebbed away in record time.
I get so angry that seriously if
not for the kind of testimony I would be wont to give in future, I would have
slammed that phone into the hardest wall around but what would it amount to?
What would I say happened to my phone without having to tell a lie? This phone
had definitely taught me patience. For when it goes off and on, it wipes all my
data in chat and I have to start all over again. It is pretty vexing.
I have had worse vexing
situations. Is it when I audibly hear my students say disrespectful things
under their breath or when my mum looks me in the face and says something so
immature that I begin to wonder if she thinks I am still a suckling babe? When
my dad demands that I see him immediately without caring to know what schedules
I have arranged for the day? When my brother prolongs a discussion and wearies
me without helping out with a solution or when I ask the children around to
leave my house and they think it is time to play hide and seek?
At those times I feel like giving
them a piece of my mind. I feel like they should know that this is not funny
and I am very mad at the unmet expectations but surprisingly I have mostly kept
my calm while the boil within cools to a moderate temperature. I knew I would
feel good letting it all out so that they would not repeat it again or so that
in the near future they would reconsider before behaving in like manner. What
happens after the feel-good emotions is what I dread. I know for certain that I
would rethink the situation and my meditation would not be one that would
gladden me. I have surprisingly held my calm so far.
It’s not that I fear people and I
do not know what to say. It’s not that I am a leader and must watch my steps.
It is not that I want to live and prove that I am so much in control of myself.
No, not at all. It’s that I try to weigh the benefit against what I would be
portraying. I owe it to myself to get better and I know that getting better
involves change(s) and positive change normally treads a part that isn’t so
smooth.
I remember one or two friends
that had done very annoying things and I could have spoken or lashed out at the
moment but I didn’t and time later they realized and returned to apologize. I
imagined how it would have been if I had lashed out then, who would look more
like a fool?
I won’t forget the day a friend
told me that a student had said that the way he is looking at things, if I dare
to snatch his girlfriend, he would deal with me. The said girlfriend was by far
the most beautiful girl in the class and her classmate who was dating her was
feeling very insecure. He felt (no, he knew) that his lecturer knew more than
he did and that could pose a problem for him if I decided to stage a “Mr.
Lecturer” approach towards his girl. Suffice me to say that if that had been my
thought even for a split second then I would conclude he was making some sense
but it never crossed my mind. I was angry hearing such demeaning statements yet
I was calm.
He later hooked up with me on a
social network when he had an issue and I was of help. I wondered what would
have happened If I had foolishly acted on that knowledge that spilled in my
direction. I may not have called him to order because I never judge from
hearsay but I could have acted differently in class or even when he hooked up
with me if I had fed from the information I heard.
An adage would say that words are
silver but silence is gold. Silence is an obvious form of patience. It is easy
to talk especially when provoked. Keeping calm is a lot more difficult. You
could be taken for granted in silence. You could be assumed to be a fool when
silent. You could be thought to be a weakling when you are reticent but I have
learnt that what people think will always be what people think and never what
the situation really is.
I have turned a blind eye and a
deaf ear in many situations and circumstances. I have acted differently from
natural expectations and the reason is not far-fetched. I am learning to be a
better person. I would not want to call it maturity but I cannot detach it from
that. I still rant sometimes and over-flog issues but the consciousness of repeatedly
doing such is so awakened in me that I never ever do it without considering the
impact before or after.
I am not really a patient man but
God is helping me. I have a lot raging inside of me but one thing I know about
a habit is that the chains are too weak to be felt until they become too strong
to be broken. I would keep trying my best to keep my calm when all is well and
when all is unwell. I would keep trying to increase my boiling point and
decrease my condensation mark until I have reached an acceptable standard.
I am better than yesteryears. I
would be better tomorrow than I am now if I continually improve and that I
will. I will best my records and influence the already influenced emotions
until I can look mess-ups in the eye and smile like nothing is wrong.
I will
get there and this virtue that is highly priced would be a prize for me when I
have won the battle and breasted the finish line. Patience breeds wisdom and I
want to be wise!
Pro 9:10 Respect and obey the
LORD! This is the beginning of wisdom. To have understanding, you must know the
Holy God. (CEV)
James 1:2
Consider it a sheer gift,
friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.
You know that under pressure,
your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.
So don't try to get out of
anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed,
not deficient in any way. (MSG)
